13 March - "Maybe we can get a break from Jake's obsessive inner monologue"

Eclipse (2010)
dir. David Slade (Hard Candy, 2005)

CAST

Kristen Stewart (Adventureland, 2009)

Robert Pattinson (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, 2005)

Taylor Lautner (The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, 2005)

Bryce Dallas Howard (Lady in the Water, 2006)

Dakota Fanning (War of the Worlds, 2005)

Billy Burke (Ladder 49, 2004)

Gil Birmingham (Twilight, 2008)
Jodelle Ferland (Good Luck Chuck, 2007)
Dawn Chubai (Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, 2007)
Leah Gibson (Watchmen, 2009)

I'm going to pause for a moment so everyone can make fun of me.

Yes, very good.

So I decided to watch the third Twilight movie because I wanted to watch something corny and self-indulgent and eat brownies on the couch with my cat and paint my toenails and girl crap like that. But this shit was just, just terrible. Maybe, MAYBE you could call it delightfully dreadful but mostly I was just confused: how many people gave this movie the thumbs-up before it was released for mass-viewing. Isn't there any honor left in cinema? Why didn't anyone STOP IT FROM HAPPENING?

By "IT" I mean the heinous performance given by Kristen Stewart. I mean that, I've heard about her bad acting and I just say, 'well, as long as she's being an angsty and apathetic teenager she does okay' (which is generous, because 99% of everyone under the age 20 can pretty effectively act like an angsty and apathetic teenager). But here's little Kristen, playing the apotheosis of angsty teenager roles and I'm just not buying it. Audibly, I had to exclaim to the screen, "Okay Kristen, now try it again but pretend like you give a shit." Isn't she dating Robert Pattinson in real life? Can she use that somehow to act like she's in love?

And she's a mouth-breather.

I also didn't really understand the conflict, which I'll attribute to a poor adaptation of the book, which of course I didn't read. So, this vampire Victoria wanted to kill Bella because her BF died in the last movie (but Bella didn't kill him, Edward did), so she raises a modest army (maybe fifteen strong?) of vampires to attack the Cullen family + werewolf allies and then goes after Bella and Edward (her primary targets???) with just herself and one other guy.

That's a stupid plan. Bella acts mildly pleased once all the threats against her life have been eliminated.