28 July - "Why must you wear a blue hat?"

Gnomeo & Juliet (2011)
dir. Kelly Asbury (Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron)

VOICES

James McAvoy (The Last King of Scotland, 2006)

Emily Blunt (The Wolfman, 2010)

Ashley Jensen (How to Train Your Dragon (voice), 2010)

Michael Caine (Zulu, 1964)

Matt Lucas (Shaun of the Dead, 2004)

Dolly Parton (Steel Magnolias, 1999)

Maggie Smith (The Secret Garden, 1993)

Jason Statham (Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, 1998)

Ozzy Osbourne (Moulin Rouge! (voice), 2001)

Stephen Merchant (The Invention of Lying, 2009)

Patrick Stewart (The Plague Dogs (voice), 1982)

Hulk Hogan

Jim Cummings (Castle in the Sky (voice: Disney English version), 1986)
Julie Walters (Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1, 2010)

Another pick by Kiefer! You can probably imagine the plot setup, red gnomes v. blue gnomes, and, no, there isn't a tragic ending. There are some cute one-liners and I liked the pink lawn flamingo. The take home message was that feuding is wholly unproductive, on the other hand, there was absolutely nothing creative about this movie, and nothing was accomplished by its existence. I wish the entertainment industry would get its act together and stop shoving bullshit down children's throats, because movies like this, while they are a little bit funny and have a transparent moral and lots of bright colors, aren't teaching them anything and are utterly uninspirational.

I think maybe it could have been saved if the Romeo and Juliet thing was less literal. We love the forbidden love theme. We loved West Side Story. Instead someone barfed out the sparknotes version of Shakespeare and tacked on a happy ending instead.

However, they did manage to make a movie that Kiefer liked. So I decided to interview him about it.

P: Kiefer, what did you think of Gnomeo and Juliet?

K: It's the same thing except there's red and blues and they're gnomes. Except they don't die at the end. I think it was pretty good. I don't know why it's good. I just seem to sort of like it.

P: What do you know about Romeo and Juliet?

K: I don't really know exactly because it's hard to remember all of it. At the Renaissance Fair the tale was told, but that was a week ago. I don't really remember. All I know is that at the end Romeo think Juliet is dead and so he sacrifices himself and then it was just a drink that made her go to sleep and so she killed herself.

P: Do you like happy endings or sad endings

K: No, I like both.

P: Why?

K: Why? Because no matter what ending it is. If it's a sad or it's a happy ending, it either turns out to be one thing or the other.

P: That's the truth. Having seen Gnomeo and Juliet, are you more interested in reading Shakespearean literature?

K: Well, it doesn't really make me interested because I don't really have the time. Because I'm reading a book right now in a series I really like, Percy Jackson series, and then I have to start the Redwall books. I might, but I'll probably take a little more time. I might get interested when I'm older if I get history class.

P: What did you learn

K: I just wanted to watch it. I didn't really learn anything because I heard the tale at renaissance camp. I just heard a different version, with gnomes. They just turned the Montague blue and the Capulet red. It's just kind of confusing to have different things like red, blue, Montague and Capulet because there's four different things, red, blue, Montague and Capulet. In the gnome movie they only have one Montague and one Capulet. In the real version they have a whole family of Montagues and Capulets. It turns out to be almost the same in a more gnomeo version.

P: But what about how fighting tears people apart, and the importance of forgiveness?

K: Well if you just understand it won't turn into violence, but then if it gets a little bit rough violence will turn into more violence. But it could just lead to being more ashamed of your own self.

P: From the mouths of babes...