06 June 2011

6 June - "Everyone knows the movies are full of shit"

Blade: Trinity (2004)
dir. David S. Goyer

Wesley Snipes (Demolition Man, 1993)
Jessica Biel (Elizabethtown, 2005)
Ryan Reynolds (Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, 2004)
Patton Oswalt (The Informant!, 2009)
Kris Kristofferson (He's Just Not That Into You, 2009)
Dominic Purcell
Parker Posey (Party Girl, 1995)
Natasha Lyonne (Slums of Beverley Hills, 1992)
John Michael Higgins (Best in Show, 2000)
Callum Keith Rennie (The Butterfly Effect, 2004)

This is quite possibly the worst movie to ever come out of Marvel, although I never saw Ghost Rider. That being said, it easily crossed that line where horrendous turns awesome. Reynolds and Biel (plus a bow and arrow) are two vampire-fighting vigilantes that team up with blade to take down the insidious vampire conspiracy to resurrect Dracula (who is actually a Sumerian, as in, cradle of civilization), led by chief vampire Parker Posey who is so fabulously whacked out that I want her to have her own spin off movie starring her crazy vampire chick and an army of vampirized Pomeranians (that's right!)

Ryan Reynolds is spot on in his portrayal of Ryan Reynolds, seamlessly developing the skills he later uses to act like Ryan Reynolds in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and presumably The Green Lantern. Jessica Biel is less convincing as a badass with a dark past. The writers were merciful and limited her speaking parts.

I think the biggest failing was the apparent absence of a threat. Dracula, or "Drake," as he was called. Was not a very threatening villain. His character was uncompelling, he only killed two goth kids, and it was unclear whether he was planning to lead a vampire revolution or whatever. As in Blade 2, the vampires were concerned with the possibility to transforming into Daywalkers, which is what Blade is (Quick origin story: Blade's mom was bitten by a vampire as she was in labor, so Blade is half-vampire, as strong as a vampire, but able to walk in the daylight. Side effects include a pesky bloodlust that is controlled by some sort of "serum"). However, Drake seemed to imply that this was impossible, neutralizing any sense of urgency. So the plot was totally vague, but there was a lot of vampire fighting, so it would be impossible to say that this movie failed to meet expectations.

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